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Friday, November 26, 2010

Did You Ever Have A Major Disagreement With Your Spouse That Almost Caused A Marital Breakdown?




Did you ever have a major disagreement with your spouse that almost caused a marital breakdown?

17 comments:

Mel Cole said...

Ok, this is a tough question Sir Mel. When me and my husband had quarrels, it's me who easily breakdown and him who will turn to me. I feel guilty nga po eh. But it didn't lead us to marital breakdown naman.

Mel Avila Alarilla said...

Hi Mel Cole,
It is understandable since women are more emotional than men and husbands cannot stand the sight of their wives crying. It is but normal that couples quarrel at times but this must be patched up immediately or it may lead to marital breakdown. More often than not, it is the ego that is at fault. If we learn to deflate our ego and treat our spouse with love and respect, quarrels can be easily avoided. Thanks for your visit and comments. God bless you all always.

chubskulit said...

Hi Kuya, sowi po if absent ako for a couple of days, so busy decorating for the holiday hehehe.

Sa awa ng Diyos, di pa naman kami nagkakaargument ng as in heated talaga. I usually used cold treatment kasi if I am mad and he always make sure to ask me or talk to me about it... Ayoko ng nakikipagaway, iyakin kasi ako lol..

bingkee said...

Never. We have several fights of course as most normal married couples do. And as I replied in your comment my recent post before, fights between couples are inevitable. Emotions are of course, present in fighting situations and fighting without emotions is impossible. For me, fighting is actually communication.There is normal communication---communication like romantic endearments, plain conversations, discussions, revelations, promises, laying out rules, and of course fights. When my husband and I fight, we don't fight because one has to be the one dominant and controlling. We fight because one did not understand or disagree with the other. It's my way of letting him know that he is crossing the line, or hurting my feelings, or breaking the agreement. Sometimes, my husband doesn't know that he is doing it. Of course, he is not a mind reader. I do not let him figure out what hurts me or what upsets me or what bothers me. I let him know and sometimes we end up fighting. It's never bad to have a fight between couples...afterall, we're from different family and social backgrounds, and most of all different cultural backgrounds. I am aware anger is not taught to be a good trait to develop and have, but anger is an emotion that can be controlled and can be normal. Anger is not a sin. Only when anger leads to sin displeases God. Even Jesus got angry.
I think those couples who don't fight are not communicating well at all. That can be indifference which is worse than fighting. Or being callous. My husband did not marry a dummy or a lifeless wife. He married a woman with sensitivities and emotions. The great thing about our fights is that after we fight we know we love each other that's why we fight to make it right. We know that after our dispute, we are still reminded that afterall we're human beings whose love is greater than our emotions. Ask any normal happy couples, and a majority of them say they fight.
When I fight with my husband, I need space so after yelling, I try to calm down, not talk to him and have my space. In a few hours, I'd be alright and we apologize to each other again and of course, kiss each other.

Mel Avila Alarilla said...

Hi Rose,
It takes two to quarrel. If one will remain silent giving the cold shoulder treatment, the other will surely seek for reconciliation and a major conflict is avoided. Iyakin ka pala, hehehe, lol. Pwede ka nang maging bida sa telenobela sa Pinas, lol. Thanks for your visit and comments. God bless you all always.

Mel Avila Alarilla said...

Hi Bingkee,
Wow, that's giving out a mouthful. You treat marriage as most American couples do who give vent to their emotions. I think Filipino couples are more circumspect about their feelings knowing that extreme emotions will hurt their spouse which they don't want to happen. Quarrels can be resolved in an unemotional way since outbursts of emotions can trigger hurt feelings especially those that have been buried beneath the surface. After the hurt feeling is communicated and apologies are said on both sides, true reconciliation can set in and the relationship is back to normal again. Thanks for your visit and honest comments. God bless you all always.

bingkee said...

No....I don't think it's about being American or about being a race or nationality. Filipinos are also like that and I can give you names and examples who fight like the way we fight. My brothers do fight like that with their wives and my Filipino friends in America. I guess you just probably don't know much about married couples who fight.
Unemotional?? That is why there are fights because emotions do arise and there is no fight without emotions. How we resolve our fights is because we realized our fights are useless but at least we know each other's needs and what displeases us.
I don't know what you mean by emotions....maybe you mean rage. That's not what I meant here----of course there is anger. How can you not be angered? I mean we're humans and our emotions are there....can we deny those emotions? As I've said , anger is fine...as long as it's not leading you to sin. Don't you know that story of Jesus anger?
He was angered by something not right so he rebuked it in his wild anger. Was he unemotional at that time.
That's where you wrong that Filipino couples fight by circumspecting feelings.....there are millions of Filipino couples who fight like that...Our neighbor, my brother, my friends, the stranger on the street, etc.

That's why I express my emotions and be open about them because I'm avoiding FEELINGS BURIED UNDERNEATH.
You just said that...circumspecting feelings and hiding them between married couples is so dangerous that leads to marital breakdowns because the feelings are buried and never vented out.
That is why I'm tellin you our fights are like "communication outlets" for us. Because how do we know somebody hurt us if we don't tell each other? So now, if we don't then the more we get hurt each time the hurting action is repeated. Ikaw na nga ang nagsabi na baka masaktan lalo kasi sa mga feelings underneath. Why are there feelings underneath there? Aren't they supposed to be there in the first place. They're not supposed to be there in the first place. Aren't they supposed to be honest with their feelings to each other?

As I've said, we apologize to each other after we lay down our feelings and troubles because when we fight, we don't forget that we love each other. We fight because we need to argue. Our fights have never been obstacles for us.
Kaya nga maraming naghihiwalay dito sa Pilipinas kasi tinatago ng mag-asawa ang kanilang nararamdaman instead na sinasabi sa isat-isa at maging open and honest sa isat-isa

bingkee said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mel Avila Alarilla said...

Hi Bingkee,
Thanks for your visit and comments. God bless you all always.

Dhemz said...

so far wala naman kuyaMel..uung talaga major major disagreement....to the highest level naman to kung marital breakdown...we bicker, we disagree, and we fight...pero I think those are normal when it comes to a married couple...

sensya na po kuya at ngayon lang ulit nakadalaw...super busy kasi ang holiday weekend namin...and we went out of town kasi...hope all is well.

Mel Avila Alarilla said...

Hi Dhemz,
Don't ever let your fight get out of hand that could lead to marital breakdown. Marriage is of course the most important aspect in one's life. Thanks for your visit and comments. God bless you all always.

Kathy said...

Hindi kami masyadong nag-aaway Kuya Mel, not the "yelling match" kind kasi I just give him the cold shoulder when I am mad and he is very straight when he is disappointed in something. Pinag-uusapan namin kaagad...

The last big fight we had was when we were first married, adjustment period kung baga... After that wala na po kasi we learned from it... Kayo po kuya Mel? eheheheh.. Just curious...
Life
Women
Mom

Mel Avila Alarilla said...

Hi Kathy,
I'm glad to hear that. Kabado kasi ako diyan sa States dahil me divorce diyan and I will be thoroughly hurt if any one of my online friends in the US will be divorced by their American husband. My wife never quarrel with me. She is the kindest person I met in all my life, I am just like you and Rose. I use the cold shoulder treatment when I'm hurt. Thanks for your visit and comments. God bless you all always.

Bluebirdy said...

Yes I have, and now that I look back, I should have left my husband when he threatened to leave me if I got medical care for kidney failure, and when I decided to defend a minority family who were being persecuted. Husband sure got rid of me for a small reason, yet I stayed and suffered, because I was honoring my vow to GOD that I took in my marriage, not just my vow to my husband.

Mel Avila Alarilla said...

Hi Shiela,
God also honors earthly laws so long as they do not contradict God's laws. Divorce is a legal remedy in most Western countries. For the right reason like yours, it can be spiritually justified. You suffered unnecessarily longer with your husband. Thanks for your visit and comments. God bless you always.

The Painted Veil said...

Oh my goodness yes after being together almost 30 years there have been many.

Once we were going to get divorced over a water sprinkler and how I watered the yard...LOL...none of them were really serious though.

Here we are still together, happy and in love more than ever!!
Jackie:-)

Mel Avila Alarilla said...

Hi Jackie,
That would have been catastrophic, getting a divorce due to misunderstanding in a water sprinkler and the way you watered the lawn. Sometimes, being emotional over trivial issues could lead to serious consequences. Great that you were able to resolve your conflict. Thanks for your visit and comments. God bless you all always.